• Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done.
  Doing the job WRONG fourteen times gives you job security.
• We put the "k" in "kwality."
• If at first you don't succeed, try management.
• Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.
• TEAMWORK means never having to take all the blame yourself.
• The beatings will continue until morale improves.
• Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups.
• We waste time, so you don't have to.
• A snooze button is a poor substitute for no alarm clock at all.
• When the going gets tough, the tough take a coffee break.
• INDECISION is the key to FLEXIBILITY.
• Succeed in spite of management.
• We waste more time by 8:00 in the morning than other companies do all day.
• Work: It isn't just for sleeping anymore.
• Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

• You've sat at the same desk for 4 years and worked for three different companies.
• Your company welcome sign is attached with Velcro.
• Your resume is on a diskette in your pocket.
• The company logo on your badge is drawn on a post-it note.
• When someone asks about what you do for a living, you lie.
• You get really excited about a 2% pay raise.
• You learn about your layoff on CNN.
• Your biggest loss from a system crash is that you lose your best jokes.
• Your supervisor doesn't have the ability to do your job.
• You sit in a cubicle smaller than your bedroom closet.
• Salaries of the members on the Executive Board are higher than all the Third World countries' annual budgets combined.
• You think lunch is just a meeting to which you drive.
• It's dark when you drive to and from work.
• Fun is when issues are assigned to someone else.
• "Communication" is something your group is having problems with.
• You see a good looking person and know it is a visitor.
• Free food left over from meetings is your main staple.
• Weekends are those days your spouse makes you stay home.
• Being sick is defined as can't walk or you're in the hospital.
• Art involves a white board.
• You're already late on the assignment you just got.
• When 100% of your time means 20 hours.
• You work 200 hours for the $100 bonus check and jubilantly say "Oh wow, thanks!"
• Dilbert cartoons hang outside every cube.
• Your boss' favorite lines are "when you get a few minutes", "in your spare time," "when you're freed up", and "I have an opportunity for you."
• Your relatives and family describe your job as "works with computers."
• Change is the norm.
• Nepotism is encouraged.
• The only reason you recognize your kids is because their pictures are hanging in your cube.
• You only have makeup for fluorescent lighting.
• You read this entire list and understood it.

A contest was held in which readers were asked to come up with excuses to miss a day of work.

1. If it is all the same to you, I won't be coming in to work. The voices told me to clean all the guns today.
2. When I got up this morning, I took two Ex-Lax in addition to my Prozac. I can't get off the john, but I feel good about it.
3. I set half the clocks in my house ahead an hour and the other half back an hour Saturday, and spent 18 hours in some kind of space-time continuum loop, reliving Sunday (right up until the explosion). I was able to exit the loop only by reversing the polarity of the power source exactly e*log(pi) clocks in the house while simultaneously rapping my dog on the snout with a rolled up Times. Accordingly, I will be in late, or early.
4. My stigmata's acting up.
5. I can't come in to work today because I'll be stalking my previous boss, who fired me for not showing up for work. OK?
6. I have a rare case of 48-hour projectile leprosy, but I know we have that deadline to meet.
7. I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at the Food Giant.
8. Yes, I seem to have contracted some attention-deficit disorder and, hey, how about them Hoyas, huh? So, I won't be able to, yes, could I help you? No, no, I'll be sticking with Sprint, but thank you for calling.
9. Constipation has made me a walking time bomb.
10. I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally, I shouldn't come to work knowing my employee records may now contain false information.
11. The psychiatrist said it was an excellent session. He even gave me this jaw restraint so I won't bite things when I am startled.
12. The dog ate my car keys. We're going to hitchhike to the vet.
13. My mother-in-law has come back as one of the Undead and we must track her to her coffin to drive a stake through her heart and give her eternal peace. One day should do it.
14. I am converting my calendar from Julian to Gregorian.
15. I am extremely sensitive to a rise in the interest rates.
16. I can't come to work today because the EPA has determined that my house is completely surrounded by wetlands and I have to arrange for helicopter transportation.
    
    ... and my personal favorite....
    
    
17. I prefer to remain an enigma

1. Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 4:00 and then bring it to me. The challenge of a deadline is refreshing.

2. If it's really a "rush job," run in and interrupt me every ten minutes to inquire how it's going. That helps.

3. Always leave without telling anyone where you're going. It gives me a chance to be creative when someone asks where you are.

4. If my arms are full of papers, boxes, books, or supplies, don't open the door for me. I need to learn how to function as a paraplegic and opening doors is good training.

5. If you give me more than one job to do, don't tell me which is the priority. Let me guess.

6. Do your best to keep me late. I like the office and really have nowhere to go or anything to do.

7. If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. Leaks like that could cost me a promotion.

8. If you don't like my work, tell everyone. I like my name to be popular in conversation.

9. If you have special instructions for a job, don't write them down. In fact, save them until the job is almost done.

10. Never introduce me to the people you're with. When you refer to them later, my shrewd deductions will identify them.

11. Be nice to me only when the job I'm doing for you could really change your life.

12. Tell me all your little problems. No one else has any and it's nice to know someone is less fortunate.

10. You're so tired, you now answer the phone with just: "Hell."

9. Your friends call to ask how you've been, and you immediately scream, "Get off my back!!"

8. Your garbage can IS your "In" box.

7. You wake up to discover your bed is on fire, but go back to sleep because you just don't care.

6. You have so much on your mind, you've forgotten how to LOGON.

5. Visions of the upcoming weekend help you make it through Monday.

4. You don't set your alarm anymore because you know the pager will go off before the alarm does.

3. You leave for a party and instinctively bring your ID badge.

2. Your DayTimer/Work Planner exploded a week ago.

1. You think about how relaxing it would be if you were in jail right now.